I left Nantes in a way I never would have pictured myself: silently, almost uncontrollably sobbing as the train pulled away and the sun began to rise. It was difficult, but it was also wonderful. As I've said many times before, I don't cry during goodbyes. And yet there I was, crying in public, leaving the Paris-bound businessman facing me undoubtedly wondering who in my family had died to make me cry so hard. Before, my stoic demeanor had been so dependable, it was laughable. And finally --finally!-- the stoicism had broken. I felt just a little more human.
Fast forward past the entire two-week trip with my family (which is an epic to be posted later) to coming to Santa Clara. I had spent about 18 hours in Bellevue before flying to Santa Clara-- the last time I was in Bellevue, I spent 13 days there in August. The time before that, I spent 4 days there for Spring Break. Due to (yet another) series of unfortunate events, I wasn't able to see my Dad or Chip during those 18 hours, so I ended up flying back there for the first weekend of Winter Quarter. For once, it was wonderful to be able to drive around town, work out at the Bellevue Club, hang out, do a little shopping, and actually just. be. HOME.
The two weeks I spent traveling after leaving Nantes were full of a whirlwind of sightseeing, but ultimately, I just craved stability. I just craved home. Home is familiarity. It is comfort. It is attachment and memories. And home is the people. The people I know, those individual persons, I have created a family from them. But the people in general, the passersby and pets and children and boulangères and even that man that smells like cigarette smoke whose entire body is pressed against yours in the tram, they create the home. Home is not one geographic location to which you return nightly, but a series of independent interactions that all say the same thing: here, you are welcome.
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Now, it's a little shy of two months since I left Nantes. While I really wanted this blog to be a "Nantes-only" blog, meaning only directly pre- and post-study abroad experience, I realize now that I really can't do that. It's damn near impossible to separate my feelings, and it's weird. I left Nantes, but I don't think I "left part of myself" there (as people often say)... I think now, after being there, I recognize how full it made me. Full of the recognition of kindness to strangers and benevolence and culture differences and wonderful people. Coming back to America, it's comfortable. That is comfort I had a desperate craving for while abroad, but there's a pressure, too. I find myself thinking, "I should be getting straight A's in all my classes-- they're hard, but they're in my native language for God's sake!! How much easier could it get?" There's a pressure to keep the regular mealtimes and wonderful diet of the French, but then I eventually succumb to the realization that, this quarter in particular, I have no time, and those microwaveable meals or pita sandwiches are just going to have to do. It's hard to see that I've changed, but a lot of things around me haven't. Theme parties still happen. School rivalries still go on. There's still plenty of drama to go around. Whether I want to be a part of it all or not, it all goes on, and it's another thing to get sucked into. And I just desperately want to go back to France. I know nothing will be able to match up to the experience I had, but one day, I want to be able to tell my host family how much they meant to me. So, although my tickets are not yet booked, I can tentatively say that I'm heading back across the pond in March to figure some things out. After using every waking moment of the past six weeks of the quarter to be productive, I need the creative break. I need to go let my mind wander and actually take a break instead of thinking, "Oh good, there's a three-day weekend, so I still have two days to run errands and do homework if most of one day is taken up by a practice MCAT." So much for those weekends to the City or the beach that I had been dreaming about while in Nantes...
On this same stint of productivity, I FINALLY cleared enough room off my hard drive to download pictures for the first time since December 10. In sorting through, here are a couple of my favorites:
From one of the first times she discovered the fun of photobooth on my laptop (week 1)
I couldn't stop laughing when I found this on my computer tonight-- I had never seen it before. It's from September. This is the life that I so dearly miss, and my host sister's face in the background perfectly captures the intimidation/ amusement when confronted with my four-year-old host sister's insanity more extroverted side.
This one is poor quality, but I hope this shows the craziness. B and I were reading a book on my bed, E was doing the rollercoaster moving picture on my laptop, and somehow it turned into this...
View from my window in the morning.
Christmas at Passage Pommeraye
Frost on the bathroom window in the morning
Rue Maréchal Josse, that goes from my neighborhood past the cathédrale into downtown Nantes
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A few pictures from our family trip to Strasbourg, Paris, and Copenhagen (I'll spare you the horrendous trip details...)
Mom at "Point Zéro" : the center of Paris
La Rosace à Notre Dame
The beautiful crèche they had set up. We were there for Christmas, after all...
I LOVE this photo
Proof that after studying abroad for three and a half months, I actually ended up making it to Paris.
You already know I have a thing for windows... these were incredible.
I absolutely love this sculpture. My ten-year-old love of the ours polaire will probably never end...
Another reason why the entire city is a museum. Indoors, outdoors... it's all gorgeous.
The Académie Nationale de Musique that we just happened across
Literally the best surprise. Right when we were not loving Paris, we found the Académie, went in, and were blown away. It was simultaneously grand and incredibly intricate, and absolutely gorgeous throughout.
From the Pompidou: view to the left of the Tour Eiffel.
From the Pompidou: view to the right of Sacre Coeur.
One of my favorites: Matisse.
And Denmark:
The "Yittle Wermaid" herself (Hans Christian Andersen is Danish.)
One of the Royal Palaces (maybe?)
Danish flag-painted boat. This country is overflowing with patriotic pride.
Christmas Card 2009
The Rundetårn (Round Tower), from which you can see all of Copenhagen and a hint of Sweden
Inside the beautiful Rundetårn. The king made there be a (steep!) circular pathway the entire way up so his carriage could be pulled to the top and he wouldn't have to walk.
Kelly and I went up to the Rundetårn later the next night. There was a full moon, so the Planetarium/Observatory (which is only open like twice a month) happened to be open to see the moon and Mars. So interesting!
The Danish version of Times Square (meaning smaller, less in-your-face, less people, and much more pleasant). We got to stay in the building on the right. Also, this "sunset" photo was taken at 4pm. Gotta love the far North!
About 1/1000th of the intensity of the fireworks that were shot off literally every street corner. And the middle of the street, and the roof, and the sidewalk...
Thank you to everyone who has been reading my blog. I'm always surprised to hear that people have read it. It started as a "I'll just write for myself" kind of thing (and still is... it'd be weird to write for an audience or something), and after coming home, I was astonished to hear how many people had checked it out. I'm flattered and I'd love to hear from you!
So that pretty much wraps things up...
until the next trip back!
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