Right now, I am sitting in my room, listening to the rain pounding down on the attic roof above me and watching it fall, illuminated by the streetlights three floors below me, just as I have for the past three months. I am sore, a little-- two badly bruised knees from falling down the granite stairs at IES (yes, please laugh... I would have fallen all the way down the circular staircase had Maddy not caught me) and two blistered ankles from two hours of patinoire (ice skating) with my host brothers and sisters this afternoon. My room is completely empty, save for the picture frame on my desk. When I arrived to my room, it was a completely blank slate, minus an array of brochures about Nantes and an empty picture frame for pictures of family or home. For two months, that picture frame on my desk remained empty. I didn't bring pictures of family or friends. All of France was my blank slate. Then, in the beginning of November, I had a small identity crisis (where I felt like I didn't have a personality) and made it my goal to fill that picture frame by the end of the week with whatever I could. It took me thirteen days, but I found three small identical oak leaves and arranged them. I didn't really care what filled it, just that it was filled. To me, it symbolized the fact that I had finally settled in. And now, my picture frame is staring back at me, and I just don't want it to be empty. It took me so long to get to that point to fill it, and in one fell swoop, I can empty its contents and no one will ever know what was there. A lot like my trip.
In my pre-departure (for France) post, I mentioned how I don't do "teary goodbyes", and I think I even mentioned it a few days ago. And for the most part, it is true. I didn't cry when I left my family in Bellevue, and I cried exactly one time since I arrived, within 20 minutes of arrival (due to exhaustion and being awake for 48+ hours, undoubtedly)... until last night. I sat down to write a thank you note to my host family, and had barely gotten past the salutation before the tears started flowing. These are tears that have probably been a long time coming, but they weren't due to stress or sadness or frustration. These were tears I couldn't rationalize my way out of. They were tears of sheer gratitude.
That's probably one thing I've learned the most since I've been here: reconnaissance. I am thankful for the bouleversement of ideas and thoughts and opinions I've experienced since I've been here. I'm stunned by the sheer kindness and simplicity and conviviality of my host family to take in a complete stranger and make me feel so at home. I'm thankful for recognizing my ignorance and learning from it. For having an opportunity like this. For discovering what I love and learning that not only do I have the power to establish my own life in a foreign country (and what an empowering feeling that is!) but I can learn to make friends and really try to let go of my slow-to-warm personality.
I guess, long story short, I just feel good. I've felt good since I've arrived-- minus the bumps and bruises, bien sûr-- but I honestly believe that I have been happier here than I have been in a long time. Here, I've confronted various problems (missed trains, arriving in London with no map or address or cash, navigating the French school system) but haven't been vexed by any of them. I just feel like here, I am a better version of myself. Before arriving, I was more nervous than anything-- how would I adjust? What would life be like? Would it be too much for me? And now, the nerves are gone. I actually feel like an invincible twenty-something, which is great. I have my whole life laying ahead of me, and a million directions to go. And better yet, I get to decide. I get to do it. And I think that's what scares me-- that this change won't be permanent. That I will lose this sense of really feeling like I've discovered a whole other facet of life and won't be able to make it back.
So, encore, I have this blank card laying in front of me, because I lack the proper words (in either language) to express my gratitude to a family who has made me feel like I belong. But I guess it's time to boucle my stay and face the blank slate that rests........
Bisous à tous!
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